All I can do is keep breathing
No sabes la alegría me diste esta mañana con tu email. Ya había empezado a pensar cosas malas y tu email los tiró por la ventana. Quiero saber cómo estás, quiero verte, abrazarte, besarte. Aunque entiendo por qué no puedo, no me detiene pensar muchísimo en ti.
Estás conmigo todos los días y todas las noches.
Sometimes I am completely paralysed by my feelings for you. Sometimes I feel like my heart is going to explode if I don’t tell you how I feel. Sometimes I think I barely know you. Sometimes I think this is out-of-this-world crazy
I always come back to the same conclusion
I always remember how it feels to be by your side
I always know how right it feels
I’m always amazed at our connection
My heart wouldn’t lie to me
I am totally crazy about you.I think about you night and day.
I want to be kissed by you every morning and every night.
I want to kiss you all the time and feel your strong hands on my body.
Summer has come again and I want to swim in the sea with you.
Taste your salty lips and skin after swimming.
Waiting is so frustrating.
Not seeing you is so difficult.
Seeing you stressed and desubicado is horrible. Especially when I can’t help or take away your frustration or pain.
My heart is bursting to tell you how I feel about you.
All I know is I miss you so much it hurts.
I long for the day I wake and you are here, by my side.
And I can huggle up next to you and feel you breathing.
Mum, I just want to say that you did a great job, with me I mean. I turned out alright thanks to you. I’m happy. I have a job I love, I live in a beautiful house, I have two lovely cats and now I have Eva too. The only thing I hope for now is to be as good a mum to Eva and you are to me. If I can do just half as good a job I’ll be happy and she’ll be fine.
Last Tuesday I found out that the doctors cannot do any more to help my mum and her fight against cancer. It’s time the palliative care doctors took over and make her as comfortable as possible until the inevitable.
I find it strange that no one wants to even make a rough guess at how much longer she might have. They must’ve seen people in her situation time and time again. I guess everyone is different; the time spent battling cancer, individual will power, family, ánimo etc. But then I started thinking that maybe I’d rather not know.
Is it better to know or not to know how long your mum has left? I mean, what if it’s only a month…then what do I do? I give up my job and go back to the UK and live with her until the end. What if she keeps fighting? Great! But then months turn into a year and…I can’t afford a year off work!
The other extreme is they give her a year, and I go home as and when I can tranquilamente but what if she doesn’t last that long? Uff. Then I’d feel I should’ve visited more.
I think I’d rather not know.
I’m going to do my best and I’m going to visit as often as possible for as long as possible and hope that my hope and her will power will keep her with me for as much time as she can cope with.
Love you mum xxxx
Wise words from a friend of mine to me…
I’m not ready to lose my mum yet.
El presente es lo único que tengo
El presente es lo único que hay
Es contigo mi vida con quien puedo sentir
Que merece la pena vivir
I want to be with you
To have you and hold you
And kiss you whenever I want